How Titties Almost Got Me Saved

[Word count: 578. Approximate read time: 2-3 minutes]

Titties

I don’t know why I went to church this morning. Usually, I wake up on a Sunday and I just know, “today is not the day.” But I decided to drop in on a small church near me. When I arrived, the music was great, but I wasn’t interested in the pastor’s pleasant banter, so I tuned out to engage friends on social media.

“You know how you automatically tune in
when someone mentions something you care about?
I’m waiting for that. It’s not happening.”

“If the Lord really wanted to speak to me today,
he would make the pastor
work the word ‘titties’ into his sermon.”

(Between this and the hilarious responses, I’m just trying not to disrupt the service with an out loud guffaw.)

“I swear if he does it,
I will walk down the middle aisle and
rededicate my life to the Lord TODAY.”

“If God can speak through an ass,
I don’t see why he can’t
deliver my soul through titties.”

“I kinda want it to happen. I’d be a man of my word.”

As a joke, it was funny as hell. But I wasn’t kidding though. There was a very serious moment tucked in the middle of my tomfoolery. I visualized the consequences if the pastor were to utter the word.

Do you know what that means? It means you’ll have to take Christianity seriously again. Everything you discounted due to bad experience will have to be reevaluated. Every promise. Every prophecy. Every law and statute. You thought it was false and specious. Fairy tales and thousand-year-old folklore. In an instant, it could all become real again. Are you ready for that today? Are you willing to change everything about your life if God is really real?

My answer was yes. I was joking on the outside, believing on the inside.

“Ironically though, I’m paying more attention to the sermon
now just in case God heard me and makes the pastor say it.”

I wanted God to hear me. I wanted him to take me up on the offer. I listened intently to everything from then until the pastor gave the altar call and took his seat.

“He didn’t say it. He’s sitting right behind me now though.
I’mma ask him if he missed God.”

And I did. I turned around—as soon as I could stop laughing—and asked him, Steve is his name, if at any point he felt like God wanted him to say the word “titties.”

Steve laughed. And I explained the backstory. He told me he hadn’t heard that instruction from the Lord, but if I still wanted to rededicate my life, I could! “It seems like you want to. Or you’re thinking about it,” he offered.

“I’m thinking about it,” I responded.

Steve came to sit beside me and told his testimony of how he had accepted Jesus, but it took about 13 years for change to take hold. He said the point was to “keep inviting Jesus into your heart.” The words resounded like a ping. I can do that. It stuck with me and I knew it would for awhile. I didn’t know why I came, but suddenly, I was glad I did.

I didn’t get saved in a tearful, snotty, emotional confluence of repentance today. But I will visit that church again—sooner than later, which in itself is a kind of miracle. I bet you didn’t know titties could do that. Did you?

***

(This was me today.)

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8 thoughts on “How Titties Almost Got Me Saved

  1. A woman I respect highly told me that my problem is that I am always looking for answers to my prayers. She said to start looking for responses, not answers, that this walk is a relationship and its all about communication. Sounds like you may be in new place in the conversation. Love you, my dear friend.

  2. Ahaha, this was a good read! One way or another, you’re close to what you’re looking for. That you can have a conversation about titties with the Pastor is surely a step closer (and you’re planning on going back too, so…)

  3. Great read, Mark. 🙂 I appreciate the opportunity your blog gives me to get to know you just a tiny bit better. You’re such a great writer. Ever consider a book?
    Anyway, I hope you get the clarity that you’re seeking.

  4. Brotha, the second the pastor drops the word titties in church, I’m gone have to show up and make it rain on the collection plate. Amen!

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