[Word count: 464. Approximate read time: 2 minutes]

“O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.”

—Psalm 139:1-4

In a post on JFuzion.com, I discovered a music video for the recently released “Ill Mind of Hopsin 7” from former Ruthless Records rapper Hopsin. The Los Angeles native became a born again Christian 2 years ago, but now finds himself doubting his beliefs. With its starkly honest lyrics, a video set against a barren desert panorama is only appropriate.

If you can wade through the expletive-heavy verses without grimacing from offense, you’ll find the song is essentially a mournful prayer. Similar expressions of disappointment and lost faith might be found in Psalms, Ecclesiastes, Job, or Lamentations.

An orthodox Christian might declare this irreverent and unacceptable, but if Psalm 139:1-4 is true and you’ve ever prayed while in anguish, your distressed prayer probably sounded to God much like Hopsin’s may sound to us. Beneath the bared teeth of his words is a heartbreaking expression of hurt.

“I hate the fact that I have to believe
You haven’t been chatting with me like you did Adam and Eve
And I ain’t seen no fucking talking snake unravel from trees
With an apple to eat
That shit never happens to me

I don’t know if you do or don’t exist, it is driving me crazy
Send your condolences, this is me reaching to you so don’t forget
If hell is truly your pit of fire, and I get thrown in it
I’mma probably regret the fact that I ever wrote this shit!

My gut feeling says it’s all fake
I hate to say it but fuck it
Shit, I done lost faith
This isn’t a small phase
My perspective’s all changed
My thoughts just keep picking shit apart all day
And in my mind, I make perfect sense
If you aren’t real then all my prayers aren’t worth a cent.”

This is a place any intellectual Christian has traveled, but was likely too afraid to give voice to their unfiltered thoughts and feelings. Hopsin describes in sharp, visceral detail how it feels to live in the no-man’s-land between doubt and belief. Personally, I identify very closesly with his frustrated perspective.

I would suggest watching the music video and opinionate first hand. If hearing profanity bothers you intensely, you can find the lyrics transcribed on Rap Genius. As I recently shared a small piece on why I write things that are ugly, it’s timely that I can point you to Hopsin doing the same thing. Check it out here:

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Related Junkyard Salvation Articles:

• God and the Silent Treatment
• If, Then, But and Other Things You Said
• Jesus, Why Can’t I Be a Secular Humanist
• Smart People Problems