Here’s the scenario. My “salvation” is a car.
Not long ago, it was as smooth a ride as it ever was. Suddenly I find myself in the driver’s seat of a vehicle that has spun out, hit several objects, and flipped upside down. It all seemed to go in slow motion. Something sent me careening. Brakes ground. Tires squealed and slid. Airbags deployed as glass shattered and rained down. I couldn’t stop it.
Once I confirm my body physically unharmed, my attention turns to the inverted faces of bewildered onlookers whose expressions beg for an explanation I’m too shaken up to give. I imagine they assume I’m either a bad driver, or worse, a drunk one. But before the weight of blame can fold in on me, a heavier thought lands with a cold thud…
“My car is totaled and I have no idea how to fix it.”
A number of contradictions, miscues, human errors, and other unfortunate events beyond control have left me strongly disillusioned and unsure of what to believe in. Acidic things have eaten away at my faith, leeched its nutrients over time. So much deterioration occurred without tripping alarms that it’s rather embarrassing to find myself in this state.
I’m still a Christian, but I’m not sure what kind I want to be anymore. I believe in God, but the way I interact with Him has to change. I still believe in the Bible too, but I now have a strong contempt for the people who purport to teach it.
“Can you remember when you were just 6 years old?
With a trusting heart accepting everything you’re told?
Anyone bigger must have been right even if they were wrong
You’d take what was given
You didn’t know better.”
– Amel Larrieux, “Now You Know Better“
My belief is fractured. My heart is wounded. And I have entertained shutting down entirely rather than attempting recovery. I intend to see it all restored though. I’ve already decided not to be irreparably broken. I will again be at a place of emotional and spiritual health. I’ll need time and divine intervention, but it’s salvageable. And so am I.